Live-in CHILD

Supreme Court will change the Indian social landscape. Steven and Stephen illustrated in their book Freakonomics, Michigan (or some other state) has less number of crimes because of the legalization of abortion for teenagers in 1970s (due to which there were less number of orphans). Our politicians will keep mud slinging on each other, over women reservations, dalits, temples, mosques, elephants, parks, names to be dedicated, without trying to look at the social fabric and taking the nation away from its old parochial systems.

Picture: (Maybe John and Bipasha are the icons of live-in relationship)

Supreme Court was loud and clear in the case of actress Khushboo. Article 21 of Constitution gives Right to Life, Fundamental Right. Two adults can stay together under one roof without any (registered) relationship, as they wish to. The Court’s lambasted the system for taking complaints against the actress, for her remarks on pre-marital relationship. We are not talking about morality or principles. It’s an individual’s choice, whether to marry or live-in. “Lord Krishna and Radha lived together”, the Court stated.

The Law needs to incorporate these changes and perhaps move a step forward towards registration of live-in relationships. Long live-in relationships as good as marriage was ruled in another ruling. Of course, this path was taken when the relationship lead to reproduction. But now, the case of reproduction has taken us to the next level. Why is it that a man and a woman require a stamp to prove their relationship? Perhaps for the following.

A man is denying his alleged relationship with his live-in partner with whom after living for years together and a baby, he denies any role in reproduction of the baby. What is the fault of the little angel for the choices, two individuals make in their life? Or perhaps realizes he was born by mistake. The female wants compensation from her man for the upkeep of the child. I hope Supreme Court will more likely rule in the lady’s favour.

Shouldn’t such men be ostracized from the society?

Women have choices under such circumstances. Whether to dump the man or accept him?

What Priety Zinta portrayed in movie, Kya Kehna in early 2000 is seeking society’s acceptance and demands not be banished but to be appreciated.

In my teens, after watching movie, I repeated the movie promotions to everybody, “kya app sochte hai, priya (Priety’s protagonist in the movie) ne jo kiya, woh theek kiya” (You believe what Priyadid was right). Most of the people wore an astonished expression. And then would smile/laugh at the stupid question of the youngster. But the question is there and we should have an answer for the question, whether we get or do not get into such kind of situation?

When our economy is growing, our society should also grow, to result in overall Development of the Nation.

The answer, do watch the movie?

As for the case, asking and taking the compensation is the most important aspect. Whether or not to use the money is the woman’s choice.

Road to Shaadi

When I was a kid, everybody asked me, “what do you want to become in life?” I’d reply flashing my teeth, “papa”. Like every child, whose role models are his parents, I was way too flattered and excited at the authority my father commanded at home and in his professional life. Now 20 years hence -

Turning 25, 26 or 27 or perhaps 28, 29, 30, for those who are left out, is a vulnerable stage of your life, every single person you meet asks the same question, “SHAADI”. I sheepishly smile and question, “kiski”. The other person laughs and replies, “aapki”. I really enjoy such conversations wherein we turn the sides of the tables. Luckily I have a genuine excuse to evade such sorry queries, my elder brother is yet to get married, and I still have some time on my side. Why can’t we begin our conversations, with are you enjoying your life, your job, or are you trying to do something else in life? After marriage, the practical transition of question will be, “kids”, we do discuss and we do talk about it with our friends, relatives, colleagues, but I feel certain awkwardness about the same. Why can’t we let the other do, what he/she wants in life and when he/she wants? We need not force everybody through the same organic process of human existence. Actually, when everybody questions the same thing about your life, you are compelled, forced and pushed to the corner?

Now getting back to the whole Shaadi affair, our generation is sitting at crossroads and stuck between the older and the next generation of societal rules, rules which are broken but not shattered and rules which are yet in conception stage. Either we should be forced to marry with the boy/girl of our parents’ choice (like our parents did) or be allowed to decide the path of life on our own, wherein we hope to find somebody with whom we can share our life. Shaadi should be sharing our lives and not spending our lives. Don’t you feel, spending sounds burdensome?

While talking about the shaadi affair? If somebody says YES, I am in the process, then the next question, “How many?” Most of my friends have run through a dozen proposals. If the friend is a female, then it is two dozen or closer. Perhaps for the betterment of the society, men are facing more rejections these days than women.

To find a suitable person, those who feel, that yes we are in love and ready to respect and accept the responsibility of marriage, things are pretty easier for them, even convincing parents, if they are dead against the fact? This was hard part for Mr. Bhagat, but that is history.

Our parents are searching for a girl, who is educated (masters even if the son is matriculate), good looking (fair in complexion), knows cooking (dal, roti), wears jeans (rarely) and Indian wear with élan, and we are looking somebody who is smart (does not mean to be fair), intelligent (education helps but not the pre-requisite), working (maybe a diploma in fashion designing) or maybe wear a skirt, at times. Expectation mismatch from one person, how do we expect so much from a female? Ask the guy and his family, what are you willing to bring on the table.

If they are seeking a groom, he should be well educated (bachelors means highly educated), earning well (legal or illegal means), good looking (which is defined by his earnings), with strong values (no drinking or smoking) and the girl expects better educated than her, decent earning (respectable), handsome (this is controversial), good values (social drinking is fine). Again the definitions for the same person go for a toss.

The best part is parents’ like to seek their children’s consent for the same. It’s difficult to find the parents’ and children’s on the same plank or rather almost seems impossible to bring on the same plank. So that is why, things start working/moving after crossing the minimum number of 12/24 or whatever.

Here comes the harder part, young, single, independent, have been through flings, strings, affairs or maybe heart breaks, it is the same for both sexes. We all have been through our share, every person whom we meet adds to us as a human being, as a person. As we move ahead, we keep on adding the items to the ‘YES’ and ‘NO’ list for our marriage/life partner. Particularly in case of women, they have a very clear list of “NOT’s”. The hard part is always along the way, we fall in and out of love and then hunt for the same love, which is the recipe for disaster and the whole range of invariable human emotions that comes with this process of finding the right person.

I’d still say, enjoy the process with the hope, we are destined for the best.

Till then, “IN THE PROCESS” status may help.

Some tips for Arranged marriage

Arranged marriage
There are times in a person’s life when he needs to take crucial decisions on his own. Marriage is one of them. Believe me, the decision on whom to marry is the most important decision a person will make in his life. After marriage, your wife is the most important person in your life. She can make or break your life. The mere thought of this is very frightening.

Some of the questions that crop up are –
 What sort of a girl do I marry?
 Will she adjust in my family?
 How can I decide on a girl by just meeting her for a few times?
 When should I get married?
 This is my life. So, I should choose the girl I marry, but then what if I make a mistake?
…. so on and so forth…
I will try to address these & many more questions in the following sections.

The Nine Rules of Arranged marriage

Rule 1 – Magic no. 28
In an ideal scenario, a girl goes to college at the age of 18. By the time she graduates, goes for her post graduation and/ or works for 1-2 years, she will be about 23- 24. This means that she has spent about 5 years away from her home. In the 5 years period, she would meet many smart guys at college or during her first few years on job. So, in all probability it would be difficult to find a good girl older than 24 yrs. Secondly, in Indian families there is lot of pressure on the girl’s to get married by the time they become 24-25.

Statistics says that there is a generation gap after every 5 years. So, in such scenario, one would prefer to marry a girl who is about 3-4 years younger to you. Thus, working backwards, an ideal age for a guy to get married is by 28. Earlier the marriage, the better it is.

Well, as we all know, in the current market scenario, there will never be stability in our career. So, I believe there is no such thing as, “I will marry when I settle down”.

Rule 2 -- Subset of marriage-able girls
At times you hear statements like, “I am not getting the right match, I will look after 3 months, I will find a better match then”. Well the truth is otherwise. The subset of unmarried girl looking for a match is fixed. From this subset, there would be girls who would get married & there would be new girls added who would be looking for a match. The net result is that at any given time, the variety & number of marriage-able girls are fixed.

Rule 3 – Competition for girls
Like all other facets of life, there is lot of competition for good girls. In my own case, I was rejected by girls. So, if you are looking for a girl who is post graduate, done her Engg, is working, very beautiful, smart, from a good family etc. etc, just think again. There are other guys who are also looking for similar girls & probably they are better off than you in terms of career, looks personality etc. Given a choice every guy would like to marry Aishwarya Rai, but then for all Ashs in the world, there are many Salman Khans who also want to marry them. So, set your expectations accordingly.

Rule 4 -- Understanding girls
You would have met a lot of people during your life. As we all know, its difficult to judge a person based on a few meetings. I am sure you would agree with me that in case of girls it is even more difficult to understand them in a few meetings. I am still trying to understand my wife… ;-)..

Understanding your spouse is a life long assignment. So, then how do you select a girl based on a few meeting? This is where you need to take the help of your parents/ friends & latest technologies like email/ chat to choose your girl.

Rule 5 – Society expectation
The selection process is tough on every one who is involved in the process. In arranged marriage, involvement of family & society is pretty high. You can’t meet a girl 3-4 times & then say no to her. It is bad for her future. So, you should have a good short-listing criterion. Meet only a few girls & be sure what you are looking for. It is for the benefit of everyone involved.

Rule 6 -- Marriage between equals
Unlike love marriage, in arranged marriage you also marry into the girl’s family. In arranged marriages, family support plays a major role in ensuring a successful marriage. This is where the compatibility of social status, family values & caste/ religion plays a major role. Its important to note that in case there is a perfect match between the two families, the marriage is destined to succeed.

Rule 7 – Know yourself
Unlike love marriage, in arranged marriage you first marry a person & then fall in love. So, it’s very important that you do a self-assessment on the kind of person you would love. They say, “Opposite attract”, while they also say, “Bird of same feather flock together”. So, you take a call on what sort of person you like. Take a pen & paper; write down the kind of attributes you are looking for in a girl. Say, she should ideally have the looks of Sonia, the style of Monica, the voice of Sheena, the patience of Rashmi. You will certainly not find the perfect girl, but then you would have a good idea of what you are looking for. The secret here is to set some minimum criteria for selection. Don’t forget rule no.3 here.

Rule 8 -- Girl’s Beauty
A girl’s looks attract, but then no one wants to end up marrying a dumb blonde. It is like buying your bike. When you initially buy it, you are crazy about the looks, but later on you love it for its reliability, fuel economy & comfort level. Similarly, a girl’s looks are important, but then it should not be the most important criteria. Later on it life, you will get bored of her looks. It is then that her personality & behavior will make all the difference to your marriage. I am sure your parents will be able to advice you a lot better on this topic.

Rule 9 -- Taking advice
As I have mentioned in the next rule, it’s very important that the final decision on whom to marry must necessarily be yours. However, don’t do the mistake of isolating yourself from the world while planning your marriage. Discuss with your parents & very close friends on this issue. They are your well wishers. Secondly, in such important matters its necessary that you analyze all possibilities. Remember, I am not suggesting that you follow others’ advice, but don’t forget to take their advice.

Rule 10 -- Own decision
All said & done, it’s your marriage & your life that is at stake. Once you are married, you & your wife are the only persons who will be facing the music. Don’t marry a girl just because your parents or friends asked you to do so. After marriage, if things don’t work out & you end up saying, “It’s because of my friends or my parents that I married you”, then your marriage is destined for disaster. If the girl is of your choice, it is you who will be responsible for whatever happens. That’s when the marriage works out perfectly. So, ensure that you marriage the girl of your choice.

How to approach the selection process?
From the day, a person decides to get married; the selection process takes a minimum of 3 months.

The whole process needs a lot of patience & commitment. The ideal steps to be followed are:
Definition phase -- Define the minimum criteria for the kind of life partner you are looking for in terms of education, physical appearance, social status, family values, future career plans.

Remember the Rule 3 here.
Lead Generation phase -- Place ads in various newspapers, magazines, websites, through friends, family friends, family societies & association etc. You need to exhaust all possible means of getting biodatas at one go. Remember the Rule 2 here.

Short listing phase – Based on your selection criteria, short-list the interesting biodatas. The general process followed for correspondence is as follows:
 The initiator sends a one page profile of himself/ herself
 Based on the profile, the receiver sends his/her one page profile along with request for detailed profile, photo, horoscope
 The initiator then sends the requested information along with a request for similar information
 The receiver send similar information
 If the biodata is selected, it is passed over to the next phase
 Casual interaction phase – Based on shortlisting, about 7 to 10 biodatas are taken forwarded to this phase. The next step to follow here is to exchange email/ chat ids. The guy & the girl then interact for 10 – 15 days to try & judge mutual compatibility through email/ chat.
 Family interaction phase – Based on the earlier phase, about 5 leads are taken for consideration in this phase. During this phase, the parents get involved & check the background information about the families to find mutual compatibility.
 The dating phase – Based on the earlier phase about 3 leads are taken forward to this phase. During this phase, the guy & the girl interact by going out alone for 2-3 times. The guy needs to prepare a set of simple questions like who is your favorite star, what are your hobbies? He needs to use his judgment to analyze the girl based on her responses.
 The D-day phase – Finally, the D-day comes when the guy has to select the girl he wants to spend his life with. If the process if followed systematically, there will be no ambiguity in deciding who should be your life partner.

Finally, my dear friends, marriage is all about compromises. In spite of all the planning that you do, there are a lot of uncertainties in a marriage. In fact this is the best part about marriage. Just remember that the person you marry must be of your choice. In such case, there would be no going back for both of you.

A few words of advice: To make your marriage a success; just believe in the age-old virtue,
“Never do anything to others that you don’t like for yourself”.
Enjoy the selection process, it is fun…. ;-) ..

WOMAN - Just LUV them

Supreme Courts recipe for happy marriage: Obey your wife
The Supreme Court has a recipe for a successful marriage, more so for men: Obey your wife and rule the world!

Must have read the news which came out few days on front page of some of the leading newspapers, OBEY YOUR WIFE, as suggested by a Supreme Court (SC) Judge. I would not like to get into the basics of knowledge and background of the SC Judge but SC Judge is thought to be amongst the intelligent lot to sit on such pedestal. If they say, the world’s gotta listen. Its not everybody we get to hear such social advice from our esteemed Judges.

I do believe the same. For a man to lead a peaceful life, he has to keep the woman happy. All the women around him happy. Be it in the form of a mother, sister, daughter and most important WIFE. To keep a woman happy is a painful process; the Judge reiterates that, ‘Hum sab bhuktbhogi hai (We all have undergone that experience)’. If you do not keep her happy, then you will not be able to live in peace.

Woman is the adorable creature on this earth and mankind. Even in our sages, it is written. Shivji used to be hell scared of Parvati. I just wanna suggest one thing to my friends to stay happy with a woman. Do not think much and never, ever dare to understand a woman. A woman is a complex and complicated creature and if, but and then comes at every point. Just keep loving her, the way she is. You may not live happily but you will definitely rest in peace.

To grab a snippet of the above headline, read the text below:

"Bibi joh boltee hai woh sunno (Listen to whatever your wife says). We all listen," a vacation bench of Justice Markandeya Katju and Justice Deepak Verma observed while hearing a lawsuit by Indian Air Force officer Deepak Kumar, who had complained that his estranged wife Manisha had ruined him and his family by implicating them in false criminal cases including sodomy. "Hum sab bhuktbhogi hai (We all have undergone that experience)," the bench observed.

"If your wife wants you to see this side, see this side. If she wants you to see the other side, do obey her," said Katju, adding: "One who obeys his wife rules the world."

Kumar's counsel told the court that his client had married Manisha 17 years ago but the couple soon landed in court with marital discord erupting between them.

A district court in Chandigarh dismissed Kumar's plea for divorce as Manisha opposed it, but a single-judge bench of the Punjab and Haryana High Court had granted him a divorce and directed him to pay Manisha Rs.1 million as one-time compensation.

Manisha then approached the Supreme Court challenging the divorce decree. Seeking dismissal of Manisha's appeal, Kumar's counsel contended that she was opposing the divorce despite having ruined her husband's life.

The bench, however, posted the case for further hearing in the last week of July, saying there was no urgency in dealing with it.

"You have waited for 17 years, so wait for a few more days," the bench contended.